I went to a thing called “Open Book” tonight, where a group of lovely humans gather at Rubber Rose Bookstore in Kankakee and share their writings, their poems, their power.
Attendees were encouraged to write something with the prompt “transformation”. As I sat in my surgeon’s waiting area, I thought about how much I have been transformed by this recent emergent experience; hospitalized and in surgery in the blink of an eye, with a giant black cloud of infection hovering, threatening to get much, much worse. I wouldn’t know for two days if I was going to go septic. If this infection had gotten into my blood. The experience had changed me in all the usual ways, and some unusual ones.
I also thought about my son; his courage, his beauty, his transformation. From assigned female at birth and feeling like an alien in his own skin to realizing why, and making the biggest change a human can make.
How isolating it is to be in the process transforming - choosing to transform. Choosing to take what you are given and really face it, and figure out how you’re going to make it work for you, or if you are going to let it just take over and control the narrative of your life.
It’s lonely, it’s scary, it shakes your soul.
So I wrote this, and tonight I read it aloud to a group of total strangers who were loving and kind and welcoming. I wasn’t afraid to do the thing, I was afraid to use my voice in the way that I do; to say what I say, and have it be… received? Listened to?
Even heard?
Here’s that piece. I guess it is a poem. To myself, and my son.
Musing on the theme of transformation…
Transform Transmute Transfer Transport Translate
(and of course transmogrify, if you know Calvin and his pal Hobbes)
It’s a crossing
but it’s also a connection
What connects the then and the now
What connects this and that
Before and after
You and me
How can we communicate
How can we bridge
See our commonality
Feel our connection
Meet me here
Bring passion
Bring joy and hope
And bring water. You will need it
to replenish your tears
I know it’s dark
I know
But look, look inside you
Do you see that?
That is your wick
Grown from your heart, your breath
your spirit
And I just happen to have a flame that craves more light
So let’s share
and then we both can see
If you want, I will point out
the different paths
which cross over this point, here, where we are
All paths forward spring from right here, right now
I don’t know where they go
For all I know they spiral, or
loop back upon themselves
Go straight up at a dizzying angle
or down at a steep pitch
Slippery or cold
Paved in gravel or gold
Or not paved at all
You get to choose
No, really, you do
It’s terrifying
It’s exhilarating
It’s the unknown
And yet, it’s home
It’s where your soul is leading you
It’s what your spirit is calling out for
It’s what your heart needs in order to thrive
Transformation
From this to that
Yet all the while
it’s still you
It has always been you
It will always be you
I see you
Come stand next to me
Take my hand
Take a breath
I’ve got you
I’ve always, always got you
Because in the end we are one
We have each other – we are each other
And I am so excited to see what you can do
Where you will go
Ready?
Take a breath.
You’re okay.
I’ve got you.
Now go.
"paved in gold or gravel" ... beautiful... I love this poem.