I talked to you yesterday
It was time.
Two days earlier
I had expressed my feelings
Said ‘I miss you’
which I knew would mean
another ghosting
another silence.
I am tired, I decided, of this little game you play
I know you want me to think
you don’t care
you don’t have feelings for me
Okay
So, let's pretend you don’t have feelings
for me
Let's say you don't care
Regardless
we needed to talk
The nature of our relationship has changed, I said
We may never actually be physically together again
ever
So what do you want to do
I just need to know what
category
to put you in
now
You launched into
your tale of woe
in which I play the villain
the Bonnie to your Clyde
But according to you
you never wanted
to be Clyde
Never meant to commit
crime after crime
We talked about this, you said
It was only ever
supposed to just
be fun
And then feelings got involved
Not yours, though
according to you
Just mine
Yes, Clyde, only mine.
As you continued,
guilt and regret poured from you
you were in pain
You were at a crossroads and
you knew something had to change.
You shouldn’t have been stepping out to begin with
She doesn’t deserve that
No, really, she doesn’t
And you need to start thinking about your wedding
in less than a year
And you should never have done this
in the first place
You’ve been uncomfortable all along
You feel uncomfortable when I say anything
that expresses feelings
So when I send you messages with emotions
you don’t respond
But it’s okay if I want to send you pictures
of my travels
That is fine
That, you can handle
Sweetie, I said
if everything
about being in contact with me
makes you uncomfortable
then don’t you think we should
stop
communicating
at all
I said
I mean, don’t get me wrong
I am miserable without you in my life
but I’ve only ever wanted
you to be
happy
So if that means stopping contact
That’s what we
should do
When we were done talking
and the time had come to say goodbye
you started to say “It’s been…”
and I stopped you
Once before,
the first time I tried to end this,
one month in and so long ago
you said, “It’s been real,” and
wow did that sting
I should have stayed away after that
but I couldn’t
and neither could you
Thing is,
I never felt
uncomfortable
What I felt
was love.
For you
and from you
But it seems I was wrong
That’s okay, I’m happy to admit I was wrong, truly
I hate thinking that all you ever felt
was discomfort
Because I only wanted
to give you the feelings you gave me
bliss
excitement
safety
home
love
I understand
You need to move on
to your factory job life
The one you do not want
The one you feel obligated to take
The one you will perform
because you are a man and that’s
what
men
do
If you say so
I have to believe you because
I am not a man
Thank goddess
Be safe out there, you said
as you often do
I laughed
I love you, too, I said
Bye
I talked to you yesterday
then I walked
and cried
and drank
and cried some more
When I finally slept
I dreamed I was hiding
from a man
I was in a closet
behind a purple curtain
and he bent down so close
I knew he could see me
But he told his companion
‘she’s not here’
and they both walked away
I woke up wondering
why I was hiding
and why
the man
spared me
and from what
I talked to you yesterday
and this morning
I walked again
and looked at the trees
the hills
the bright blue sky
the clouds
I thought about you
and realized that
although my love for you
is all these beautiful things
in my head
Written down in an epic book
of poetry
it doesn’t mean
you would find them beautiful too
For you
in your head
my love for you
is a source of
discomfort
dismay
and
guilt
So I revisited those poems
looked at them from
an uncomfortable
point of view
Your
point of view
and here they are
because I’m sure you don’t write poetry
I doubt you read it
But based on
what you said
this is how
they should have gone
----
My love for you
is a wrecking ball
out of nowhere
Your house was already crumbling
condemned
but you still lived there
and now it seems
maybe
you shouldn’t
and now
maybe
you can’t
----
My love for you
is a stranger, an out-of-towner
walking into
your favorite bar
where you always hang out
It’s a little dark in there,
it’s clean, though
so you keep going back
to the same old faces
The same old games
The same old music
The same old bartender
who can never make
the drink you want
She just can’t get it right
and doesn't seem to want to
So you’ve given up asking
You only order beer
anymore
You don’t even like the taste
But it’s comfortable
You’re there every day
Nothing ever changes
My love for you
walks in
way more confidently
than a stranger has a right to do
You ask yourself
What is she doing here she doesn’t belong
where did she even come from
why is she glowing
why is she a flame
and why all of a sudden
am I a moth
My love for you
is a game of pool with the stranger
who tells you she’s not any good
compared to other people
she’s played with
So you let her win the first one
because you're such a good guy
She wins the next because
actually
she’s quite good
Maybe better than you
You say to yourself
I’d better stop
before she cleans me out
My love for you
walks up to the counter
asks the bartender if
she can come behind the bar
mix a drink
The bartender isn’t paying attention, really
and says
with a roll of her eyes
Sure, go ahead
The stranger
without even asking you
knows what you want
Makes your favorite drink
perfectly
You say to yourself
Uh-oh
You think to yourself
She needs to leave
This place isn’t big enough for the both of us
Then you realize
with horror
that
there actually
has become
an
“us”.
----
My love for you
is a car accident
Unexpected, unpleasant,
hard, fast, loud, painful
It’s going to make you late
hold you back from
all the
very important things
My love for you
means stepping out of your truck
Your beautiful, one-of-a-kind truck
Assessing the damage
Minimal to your precious, thank god
Everyone is alive, so
let's get this over with
My love for you
means coming face to face with
whoever hit you
and messed up your day
You see that
her car is totaled
but
it was her fault
So you give her
only the minimum information needed
and go about
your business
It was her fault
----
My love for you
is losing your keys
Everything is on that keyring
Truck, home, work
Gun case, mailbox
You never lose your keys
You always know where they are
It makes no sense that
somehow they are gone
You go about replacing them
only to remember
the key to your heart was on there, too
You had totally forgotten about it
and it cannot be replaced
My love for you
stole your keys
and is holding them for ransom
My love for you
wants too much in exchange
More than you’re willing to pay
You didn’t need that key
to your heart
anyway
----
My love for you
is alcohol and cigarettes
heroin and crack
sugar and caffeine
everything and anything
that is bad
addictive
potentially life-destroying
My love for you
never asked you to try it
My love for you
was not pushed on you
by a shady figure in an alley in the city
My love for you
simply was
simply is
And now
My love for you
is going to cost you
everything
unless
you quit
---
My love for you
is the goddamn weeds in your yard
that you constantly have to
deal with
Personally
you don’t really care all that much
You’ve always kind of
liked
dandelions
Bright, shameless, persistent,
attractive to
just about everyone
But the missus
she likes things her way
She wants her lawn clean and pure
Only one kind of grass, ever
Only the flowers she likes
A carefully crafted
tribute to
domesticity
You know
what you have to do
The dandelions cannot stay
But hell if they aren’t
deeply rooted
already
----
My love for you
is that fucking joker
coyote
The pest
The killer
The enemy
My love for you
knows you don’t want to kill her
Because she's just trying to survive
She’s smart
She's beautiful, actually
when you really look at her
Such a colorful coat
Such wild gentle eyes
But she has to go
It doesn’t matter
how much you grudgingly admire her
how much you respect her
how much you relate to her
You have to chase her away
Get rid of her
somehow
It doesn’t matter
that it wounds your soul
to even think about
killing her
My love for you
faces you bravely
laughs
is unafraid
She knows she has to go
and she is ready
She gives you one last look
a steady gaze
then turns
and walks away
----
My love for you
is a hurricane
with a storm surge
that turns into
a raging flood
There were early warnings
but you didn’t heed them
It’s never flooded here before,
so you reckoned
It’s not going to flood now
My love for you rose quickly
more quickly than you could have imagined
Sweeping away everything in its path
Leaving wet destruction
My love for you
scared you
and pissed you off
Because all you could do was
figure out what’s most important
tuck it in your pockets
and flee
My love for you
did not intend to destroy
your home
But now everything is damaged
Some things cannot be replaced
It is an insurmountable
incalculable
mess
My love for you
recedes
showing you what
you are left with
It only ever wanted
for you to reach
higher ground
----
My love for you
is a hangover
You indulged too much
way, way too much
You’ve lost your keys
your clothes are on backwards and
you have no idea where you left
your boots
And now you’re crouching
on your knees
trying to expel the poison
before you are discovered
and have to
explain
yourself
----
My love for you
is a crawlspace repair
on a freezing cold day
My love for you
is an attic installation
on a blazing hot day
My love for you
is a job outdoors
in the pouring rain
My love for you
makes everything
uncomfortable
Dusty, dirty, sweaty, wet
Covered in cobwebs
My love for you
follows you home
is there
when you undress
step in the shower
and find that
no matter how much
you scrub
you cannot get clean
----
My love for you
is fireworks
bright, sparkling, colorful
they take your breath away
transport you to another place
heaven and stars
you could lie there forever
But the mosquitos are biting
the food is gone
and your people complain
They want to go home
They are tired
They have other things
they want to be doing
They have to work in the morning
So you leave
silently cursing your people
My love for you
is fireworks
set off in the neighborhood
days after you thought
they were over
Sudden and loud
they frighten your dog
and he runs away
fast and far
Whatever you were working on
whatever anyone else needs
or what obligations you have
they no longer matter
You have to find your dog
So you leave
silently cursing the fireworks
----
My love for you
is the loan you took out
to get that specialized truck
you always wanted
You traded in your older truck
It was comfortable and broken in,
but it needed constant work
to simply run
That new truck, though…
It’s special
You love that truck
It’s rare, it’s perfect
It’s yours
My love for you
requires payments
which requires work
which requires time
and it seems like
it will never fucking end because
the interest is
way too high
My love for you
makes you wonder
what the hell you were thinking
to have given up something
you were familiar with
but tired of
Something that
kept breaking down
but was comfortable
for something that you will have to
pay for
in
perpetuity
----
My love for you
is hoping for
anticipating
expecting
much-needed rain
but instead getting
a hailstorm
Fuck, it’s going to damage your truck
So you run outside
to save what you love
Hailstones pelting your head
Damn
it
hurts
----
My love for you
is your favorite sports team
making it to the finals
the superbowl the world series the cup the championship
So exciting
You never expected it to go
that far
but it did
and you are
nervous
hopeful
and wanting
another
drink
My love for you
is your favorite sports team
building up your hopes
starting so strong
looking so good
but then
it all falls apart
It becomes crystal clear
that winning
is just not possible
and the loss
is
devastating
and you are wishing
you hadn’t had
that drink
----
My love for you
is a hunter
A skilled hunter
An experienced hunter
That stag will have
no idea
what hit him
My love for you
has prepared for this
Body, mind, soul
all ready
to do what is needed
with ease
with pride
with gratitude for
its sacrifice
My love for you
is high in a tree
thinking about
the future of this day
It is hard work
bringing game to the truck
skinning, butchering
No one else seems to realize that
or appreciate it
But it is
always worth it
My love for you
sees its prey
readies its weapon
holds its breath
finger to trigger
waiting
My love for you
is a text message
sent
right at that moment
A distraction
An alarm
The stag bounds away
never knowing
it was
in danger
----
My love for you
is a newborn
keeping you up all night
making you irritable
and exhausted
My love for you
is an incessant girl
mostly sweet but
potentially volatile
Best to tread with care
My love for you
is a teenager
always horny and
always making you horny
at the most inconvenient of times
My love for you
is nagging you about
what it wants you to do
You already have a list
You have no time
or energy
for more
My love for you
is way too old for you
it’s wrinkled and baggy
but you can’t stay away from it
because it has the
best
cookies
----
My love for you
is a great song
It’s a bop
A banger
It’s fire
It slaps
Every time it comes on the radio
it’s like a party
It’s your favorite
My love for you
is your favorite song
but it’s playing all the fucking time now
It gets stuck in your head
You can’t make it stop
all you can do is
surrender
and hope it goes away
if you ignore it
----
My love for you
is yet another photo
of a mountain a river a sunset
some beautiful place
that you wish you could see
for yourself
but you know
you probably
never
will
----
My love for you
is the first-of-the-day
and very necessary
cup of piping hot coffee
that spills in your lap
when you were just
trying to avoid
hitting that
damn
squirrel
----
My love for you
is a pair of thick socks
Your favorites
The expensive ones
It’s going to be a cold day
You put them on
knowing they will keep you warm
My love for you is a hole
in the toe
----
My love for you
is making a mistake
so colossal
so irreparable
it makes your insides twist and knot
It makes your mind race
Makes you break out in a sweat
Just the thought of it
causes a wave of nausea
My love for you
is so terrible
so wrong
You will never escape
how it makes you feel
discomfort
guilt
anger
My love for you
could destroy your life
with one word
Just one text, one phone call
could bring an end
to everything you’ve worked for
even though
you aren’t sure
anymore
what
you were working
for
My love for you
needs to stop
itself
because you can’t bring
yourself
to stop it
You can’t bring yourself
to confess it
You can’t even bring yourself
to look it in
the eye
----
My love for you
is a weed-induced dream
of amazing sex
laughter
and
feeling
seen
My love for you
rolls over in sleep
and suddenly becomes
a nightmare
the kind where
you can’t breath can’t speak can’t move
can’t escape
My love for you
wakes you up
and you know it’s going to linger
all day
It feels like you will never
be able to shake it
----
My love for you
is a clear, cool lake
on a hot, dry day
You just want to take off
all your clothes
and dive in
My love for you
is a jagged rock
is debris that someone dumped there
rusted and sharp
just beneath the surface
waiting for you
to get
close enough
to cut you
My love for you
is a vacation
a trip to a warm beach
a beautiful blue ocean
waiting for you to
run down
wade in
float
My love for you
is a rip current
sneaking up on you
grabbing you
pulling you under
drowning
you
----
My love for you
is a hike in a forest
lush, green
sun-dappled
full of life
blissful
heavenly
My love for you
is a reckless tossing of fireworks
by a careless boy
who should have known better
Now the forest is on fire
roaring
choking you with smoke
moving fast
and you have to
find a way out
now
----
My love for you
is a picnic at the park
a potluck
all your favorite food
You can sit around and
talk to people
You can play frisbee
You can fill your plate
take it to the river’s edge
My love for you
is a honeybee
just doing her work
happy in the sunshine by the river
until you accidentally
get too close
She can’t help it
she does what she does
Plants her barb inside you and
pulls away, leaving a piece of her
in your flesh
My love for you
will die
never knowing
that you are allergic
to bee stings
----
My love for you
is a back injury
which happens when you’re
at home
and not even doing
anything
remotely fun
My love for you
prevents you from working
prevents you
from fucking the person
you’re supposed to
be fucking
Even though she doesn’t want to
because she has a back injury
My love for you
doesn’t respond to medication
or ice or heat
The only thing that will heal it
make it go away
is stillness
silence
and time
---
My love for you
is a headache
that turns out to be
a brain tumor
Inoperable
and most likely
fatal
----
My love for you
is walking across a frozen lake
Seemed solid enough
safe enough
at first
But now you are hearing
the unmistakable sounds
of ice cracking
It sounds like
gunshot
it sounds like
a warning
My love for you
is backing away
sliding away
slowly
trying not to make it worse
just trying
to not
break
through
----
My love for you
is a photo album
of your wedding
in which you are smiling
bravely
and
you hope
convincingly
Fake happiness
My love for you
is that ring on your finger
That noose around your neck,
masquerading
as a tie
Those shoes
too tight, too shiny, too stiff
Can’t wait to be free of it
It’s so
uncomfortable
My love for you
is endless well-wishers
gifts you don’t need
expenses you couldn’t afford
Is realizing
you are stuck now
for the rest of your life
My love for you
ruined this day
by lingering in the corners of your mind
but you could never tell
from the photos
----
My love for you
is the burden you were willing to carry
Confident it would be
no problem
A backpack
full of everything you could
ever want
and
more
You didn’t realize
it was so damn heavy
and now you just
want to take it
off
but that damn back injury
won’t let you
and there’s no one else
who can take it off
for you
----
My love for you
plays so innocent
Says it never meant
to do this to you
My love for you
might be telling the truth
But that doesn’t matter
My love for you
is not something you
wanted
or thought you deserved
even though
it tells you
you
are
worthy
My love for you
has no right
to say these things
It has
no
business
even being here
----
My love for you
never tires
Really, it never fucking tires
It is exhausting
----
My love for you
hopes you will find your way back
but also knows
you can’t go back
to a place you’ve never been
and never even wanted
to know about
in the first place
----
My love for you
has let you go.
You
are
stuck.
She
is
free.
----
